The Charlie Syndrome

I guess we can agree that there’s very little that’s funny about Charlie Sheen’s epic meltdown. And I’ll stipulate that really his sad, accelerating spiral into oblivion is out of place on a blog about writing and its peripheral concerns.

Entertainment is just entertainment, but it’s part of our culture. So maybe one short post isn’t out of line. 

I can only say that I have enjoyed the show, watch it every week, but Sheen is just one of several people who make the funny work on that thing. The laughter has always come when Charlie (Harper) is on set with Alan, Jake, Evelyn and Berta. Berta has never gotten enough screen time, for me. I don’t think the show comes back without him, but that doesn’t make him more than one member of the cast.

Sheen thinks he’s the whole deal, and that’s wrong. He’s an actor, and that’s nice for him. It’s an interesting and sometimes valuable profession. But so is a baker, a teacher, or a cop. My Dad was a lineman for the power company. He gave us lights and cold food, and the TV we watch assclowns like Charlie Sheen on. But Sheen gets 2 million for a week’s work. It’s a stupid way to run a railroad, if you ask me.

And it’s my humble, layman’s opinion that we’re seeing a rampant snafu of brain chemistry at work. Sex and drugs and psychosis. I mean, we all know crazy when we see it, unless we are crazy. It’s an insight generally endemic to the human herd.

So watching a career disintegrate is no fun, but here’s some Charlie Sheen funniness that he couldn’t possibly have done better without Jimmy Kimmel’s help. 

It Takes a Villager

I was just skipping through a weekly email from Time and spotted this photo.*

villagers

The caption reads: Happy New Year. Villagers party in a local pub during the Allendale Tar Barrel festival on New Year’s Eve in Allendale, England.

I think it would be cool to be a villager. I hadn’t realized the term was still used for people in the developed parts of the world.  I live in a condominium complex that we sometimes call The Village because its name is Casitas Village, but that doesn’t make it one. We don’t have any villages in California, as far as I know. We’ve got some very small towns. But I checked out Allendale on Google maps and Wikipedia, and it’s a village alright. About 2100 people, which makes it 7 times smaller than the town where I live.

Maybe to be a village you have to do some very whacky, insane stuff – like the Allendale Tar Barrel Festival.

Allendale Tar Barrel Festival quN8ahWqfEml

Now those look like some by God villagers, right there. And I have to admit, I don’t think I could keep up that kind of pace, or make that intense a commitment to my community. Not even once a year. But I tell you what, in my little town we recently got a new hardware store, having been without one for too long. I’ve only been in there once, for a little electric plug (buck and a half, a good price) but I imagine they stock pitchforks.

We could use Google Maps to source the local monster lairs, mad scientists and tea partiers. Or if you have a smartphone, there’s probably an app for that. Then you grab a torch, I’ll get my pitchfork out of the garage, and we’ll roshambo.

 

*Click photos to enlarge.

fed up

What is the duty of a cook? It is the same as the duty of a writer. You must begin where there is nothing but need, where there is an emptiness.

bowl1 

You must use your talent and skill, and what resources you can gather. Clean water, fresh things. And with attention to detail, create something to fill that emptiness; something nourishing; something that won’t make people sick.

rice-bowl-sl-1694203-l

There is no way to focus too much on this task, no way to take it too seriously. It is all that you are doing right now.

Last night, I decided to watch an episode of a TV show from England called Doc Martin on my computer. I’ve watched 2 and a half seasons of the show in this way, over the past few months, and I notice it’s recently begun a run on PBS in my area. You can read about the show here.

Doc Martin is about an emotionally detached, disaffected doctor who leaves London and opens a practice in a small fishing village. Maybe I identified with the concept because of my long and fervent appreciation of the American show Northern Exposure. I loved that show, never missed it, and the plot was similar, is my point.

The local people don’t get Doc Martin, because he has the bedside manner of a small table with a dim lamp. He is very hard to like, but through all the episodes I’ve seen there’s been a vague insinuation that he is about to give us some reason to think otherwise. On that score, I give up.

In fact, I’m not going to watch the show anymore, for 2 reasons: the main character is about as likeable as a stretch of frozen asphalt, and for me, the show lacks Quality. Doc Martin hates dogs. I keep thinking that’s going to change too, but no. He yells at dogs and chases them away. He is the sort of man I might enjoy hitting repeatedly with a large piece of wood. As for the rest of the townspeople, well with rare exception they’re just not growing very much are they?

The last straw came in a scene in which the doctor goes to the home of his aunt and finds her having sex with her housepainter on the kitchen table. He is shocked. We are shocked. As I said, this show is on PBS; there’s been not one clear drop of R-rated content in any previous scene. And look at her. What manner of worthless writer would have such a character shagging where she should be shelling peas?

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Now I’ve got that image burned into memory. Can anyone guess how many brain cells I lost, that I’m never getting back?

As I closed out the feed from Netflix, I thought about the people who make that show, and all the attention I have given their work, and what I was owed in return. I guess it’s basically this guy named Dominic Minghella, creator and writer. He created this occasion of Fail.

Our Duty as Creative Types

We writers owe our audience some cognizance of their attention; some fidelity to the fact that we have it as long as they’re willing to give it. Hopefully, they’re willing to give it for as long as we ask for it, but maybe not. In any case, we are creating something where there was nothing, and serving it up to feed them. We have a duty to make sure it’s fresh and honest, and the best thing we can make with what we have.

At some point, not in the shitty first draft, but by the last draft at least, we have to give our dish the old sniff test, make sure it hasn’t gone bad along the way. In the case of Doc Martin, the writer allowed the show to take a huge lurch out of its usual path – almost out of its context – and it lost its nutritional value to me.

It’s good to be brave with the spices, to write what we believe is real. But we also have to remember, if we decide to publish, that we are feeding people. Nutrition matters. Don’t leave the tater salad out in the sun, Hemingway.

Searching for Quality

I’m not saying that creative people shouldn’t be ready and willing to offend their audience. Are you offended, for example, by what happens in the courthouse in To Kill A Mockingbird? Sure. I’m saying that we owe the audience Quality. What is it, and why did I capitalize it?

Quality with a capital Q is the properties of a thing which create in the observer of it a sense and understanding of himself with respect and in relation to the thing. In other words, Quality is something that the reader can relate to.

When I watched Northern Exposure, I loved it because I could relate to it. I could picture myself living in Cicely Alaska, hanging out at The Brick, listening to Chris in the Morning on k-Bear, going fishing with Ed. And very much unlike Doc Martin, I could imagine I might trust Dr. Joel to be my doctor. (My real life’s doctor’s name is also Joel.)

Can you imagine the Old Man and The Sea and find some meaning for yourself therein? If so, that’s Quality. It doesn’t have to be as specific and personal as my Reaction to N.E., but it has to draw the audience in, as opposed to making them feel alienated. Speaking of which, does Alien scare you? Can you identify with Sigourney Weaver’s terror? If so, that’s Quality.

That is my problem with Doc Martin. I can’t relate to the writing, the setting, the characters, their motivations. I have waited time and again in hope of being drawn in and finding a way to identify – a handhold of Quality – and it has not come. I have the same problem when I’m reading a bad poem or a bad novel and I put it down. There’s just no me in it, no us there at all. So I have been known to toss a crappy novel hard against the nearest wall because I can’t relate. Not because some people don’t like dogs or older people shouldn’t have sex, but because if it’s done badly – if the shitty from the first draft is still showing thru – and if it ain’t art, then it’s alienation.

hunting: a quote

When we have exposed the specious reasoning of the hunters’ apologists and stripped their sport of its counterfeit legitimacy, the naked brutality of hunting defines itself: killing for the fun of it.

– Steve Ruggeri, former hunter and activist (1949-1998)

poor little moron

We are reformers in spring and summer; in autumn and winter we stand by the old — reformers in the morning, conservatives at night. Reform is affirmative, conservatism is negative; conservatism goes for comfort, reform for truth.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

He’s right, you know; at least, he has me down. I don’t usually discuss my politics on this blog, but they are a motley stew. For the most part, change that bears at its core a sense of compassion is a good thing, because things as they are kinda suck.

Which reminds me of something I saw on the freeway yesterday. There was a white van in the slow lane, going slow, and bearing on its back end, in large lettering, this:

Slow Driver
Please Be Kind

And I thought What an amazing idea. He’s not arguing for his right to go slower than the rest of us, or insisting that we’re all going too fast, or in some other way saying bite me. He’s just asking for kindness. It’s something that in our culture – no, we don’t actually have a culture – in our population, we don’t seem to value highly. Unless someone is kind in some very heartwarming way and it winds up on the news, we could scarcely care less.

In my life, I have adopted the phrase Gentle hands, kind words, which I thought was a quote of Albert Schweitzer, though it does not Google well. So I don’t know. But it has become a mantra for me, which I apply to my relationships with small animals. You are not a small animal, so if you cut me off in traffic then Heaven defend your ass.

I’m kidding. I have a phrase for you, if you stumble upon the thoroughfare and cause us all some calamity:

Poor little moron.

It’s the same thing I say of myself when I mess things up. Like the time, not long ago, when I was trying to make myself a blueberry smoothie with my blender. I put in the ice and water, the low-calorie mix, the blueberries, and hit ON. But had a forgotten the lid. Kablooie! All over the kitchen. Poor little moron.

It has a ring of pity or sympathy, right?  I think it’s something my grandpa used to say. And it reminds me of the Nasrudin jokes I’ve heard from Coleman Barks. That’s the best I can do. But sometime in the future, we should ponder this one from old Doc Schweitzer:

Think occasionally of the suffering of which you spare yourself the sight.

lawrence ferlinghetti’s birthday

The fine poet, activist, and city-enlightener turned 90 on Tuesday 3.24.09. He’s still sharp, thoughtful, wise; he can still teach, is my point. As demonstration of which, The S.F. Chronicle published an interview, which I commend to you.

Here’s a nibble:

Q: Why do you prefer the term wide-open poetry to Beat poetry?

A: I never wrote ‘Beat’ poetry. Wide-open poetry refers to what Pablo Neruda told me in Cuba in 1950 at the beginning of the Fidelista revolution: Neruda said, ‘I love your wide-open poetry.’

He was either referring to the wide-ranging content of my poetry, or, in a different mode, to the poetry of the Beats. Wide-open poetry also refers to the ‘open form’ typography of a poem on the page. (A term borrowed from the gestural painting of the Abstract Expressionists.)

Q: Can writing be taught?

A: It has to be taut.

cup o’ kindness

Well, 1 down, 364 to go. I’m trying to come to terms with the whole idea of facing a new year. It feels a little like staring into a dark tunnel and slowly realizing it’s a crocodile’s gullet. Explains the damp air and the dripping sounds. And I can’t shake the feeling I got ripped off on the last year. I ought to have some change coming back from 2008. It was never my intention to leave any change behind as a tip. The service wasn’t all that good, if you know what I mean.

Does that seem like a negative attitude for the first day of the year? Oh well, the first day wasn’t all that great either. I overslept, then forgot to turn on the TV and watch the Rose Parade. So I’m already getting the stinky end of the existential stick in 2009.

Today, I was listening to Garrison Keillor’s Writer’s Almanac podcast for New Year’s Eve.

In Mexico, people eat one grape with each of the 12 clock chimes at midnight, and make a wish for the coming year. In Venezuela, they wear yellow underwear for a year of good luck. In Japan, people eat soba because long thin noodles symbolize longevity, and at midnight, temple bells ring 108 times, matching the 108 attachments in the mind that need to be purified before the New Year.

At midnight in Greece, families cut a cake called a vasilopita, which has a coin baked inside; whoever gets the coin will have a lucky year.

In this country, the most famous celebration is in New York City’s Times Square, where up to one million people gather each New Year’s Eve to watch a ball drop.

First of all, 108 attachments in the mind? The entire consciousness? I have more attachments than that about bodily functions alone. And I’m pretty sure the average urban Japanese guy could keep up with me on attachments. Time to update that tradition for inflation.

In the podcast, Garrison added a sentence to the end, “Be grateful you are not one of them.” Yeah. But the example he chose for US is out of context with the others from other countries. Americans do have food traditions for New Years, if you want to dig them up. In my family, we eat black eyed peas every year on January 1. Sometimes with cornbread. I googled this and learned it’s traditional in many parts of the U.S.

I’ve had my beans and watched some football – also a NYD tradition in our clan – so I guess I’m good to go. But carefully, very carefully. There is a heavy fog tonight, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it lasts until Christmas.

And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.