I’ll Front Page You in a Minute!

I’d just like to say that I am freaking furious with Front Page. It’s the most non-intuitive, hairbrained, unpredictable pile of runny goo I could ever hope not to encounter. Aaaaagh!

I just wasted an hour and a half trying to set up a simple page of photos of dogs. It looks like roadkill. (OK, bad analogy. But I’ll bet no one can tell my why the little hyperlink hand won’t appear when you pass you cursor over the button at the bottom of the page.) So …

While I go watch something made for television, I’d like you to enjoy this fine cartoon. It depicts Bucky and Satchel from Get Fuzzy, coming across a copy of MS Front Page; possibly the very copy I just hurled out the window.

The Dilemma of Terri Schiavo

I was just reading Pete’s blog, about a houseplant that refuses to die, and thinking about the Terri Schiavo case. Not that the two are analogous, but they do drive the mind in a common direction: death. That crossing common to all life.

All is change; all yields its place and goes. – Euripides

I wonder about death, and I have some fear. Not of leaving the body and departing into Heaven, to sing in the choir invisible. But what if there’s some spark of awareness that remains with the body in the grave, conscious of the arms locked against the cushions, the padding of the inner lid sagging against the nose….

OK, eternal claustrophobia is bad enough, though probably not rational or justified metaphysically. I don’t really believe in such a consciousness. Death ends it, where the confines of the body are concerned. But between the full sun of life and the complete night of death, there is a ladder of shadows that we cannot comprehend. God knows.

So when I see someone like Terri Schiavo, and what she’s enduring, I feel a great, dark pity. She is somewhere on that ladder, in the half-light in between, imprisoned in a damaged vessel.

What if she is alert in there, aware of her life, family, love … but with communications off-line … the lights are on but the mail can’t get through. I mean she’s not brain dead, right? She responds to people. Maybe she loves them, knows she is loved. And maybe that’s enough, love being the best there is of human life. And besides, it’s not like her treatment is medically heroic or even substantial; it’s just food and fluids. If God wanted her home, she’d be home, don’t you think?

There is a test to know whether your task in life is finished. If you’re alive, it isn’t.

I wouldn’t want to go through it, to be trapped just outside the world, smiling and blinking and helpless to produce a word for the world, a complaint of pain, a yawp of joy. But I can’t say I’d be in a hurry to leave, either. Not if I knew I was loved, and Terri Schiavo’s parents have made a good case that she is loved and knows it.

Where there is love and life there is hope.

Updike’s Day

Today we blog forth birthday greetings to one of my favorite writers, John Updike. He was born in 1932, the same year as my Dad.

Updike writes beautifully, and it seems notable that he was encouraged by his mother to be a writer. Not many professional writers become successful without a day job, like teaching, and perhaps his success is somewhat owing to that encouragement.

My favorite of his books – so far – is Toward the End of Time. Here, check out the first page.

Happy Birthday, Updike.

A Few Pot Shots

Scott Peterson – by now, he’s all checked in and cozy in his new home at San Quentin. Death Row. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. And yes, I feel bad for his family; not their fault he went totally evil in the world. But this is what he was asking for when he did what he did. And I feel worse for Laci’s family. That’s the way it is.

Robert Blake – Wha what? I still think he did it, the crazy old hasbeen. I think she was asking for it, and he obliged. (Well, she was asking for trouble; no one deserves to get shot.) This one was like OJ – a problem with the burden of proof.

Wolfowitz – Oh give me a break. The guy’s sole qualification for running the World Bank is that he helped run the country hard onto the rocks of a misbegotten war. How do these guys get these jobs? The rest of us out here have to respond to job openings with some prior experience in the field. But like Bush, he can’t even point to a single thing on his resume that’s been accomplished with honor. Score another one for the neo-con brown shirts.

Mark This Day

Well, St. Patrick’s Day has come around again. Hard to believe; the years are spinning by in greased grooves. Happy St. Patrick’s Day to all who care.

Every year, I mark March 17 in a special way, for a special reason. On March 17, 1995, my friend Mark passed away at the age of 30, following a protracted illness. So now it’s been 10 years. I remember it clearly: the call from his mother, the drive to San Jose, the funeral.

Mark was a really good guy. Quiet and good natured. A good roommate and friend. We always got along. He taught me to play backgammon, though in the intervening decade, I’ve forgotten how. I miss him. And if he were still in the world as I know it, we’d go up to Mt. Lassen, and take a hike in the melting snow.

Woot Canow!

Well, the Ides of March are come and gone, and I had my root canal today. I was in the chair for just over 100 minutes, and really it wasn’t all that bad. For me, the worst part is having to swallow, with that little rubber tarpaulin over my mouth. I have a slight fear of choking in that situation, and have to consciously urge myself to relax.

I did relax. In fact, I came close to dozing off several times. And close to freaking out only a few times. I have a good dentist and I’m sure he was quite thorough. Now, over 7 hours later, it doesn’t hurt at all. I might not even be sore tomorrow. I’m just a little drained, and watching lots of TV.

Clean Monday

Today is the first day of Lent for Orthodox Christians like me. Here’s a poem I wrote a long time ago, when I lived in an apartment which had suffered a leaky roof, about the day we lovingly call

CLEAN MONDAY

I have decided to follow Winter’s
last storm into the ditch
beyond the wall, which becomes
a drain, a pipe to the street,
the culvert under U.S. 101.
I have been treated well
and have reached the sea
at last. Remember me
by the dark rainwater stain
down the wall of my room
and in the winds of March
that sweep the shingles
and the gutters clean.
I will come home
for Bright Week, in April
with the willow blossoms
on the altar steps
the higher altitudes of birds,
bells at midnight, the turning
of the shrouds and vestments
white. Carried inland by
the softer, warmer tides of Spring.

© 1992 by Kyle Kimberlin

For No Reason At All

He sits on the edge of the bed a while, not thinking about anything but the bed itself, the broken-down softness of the old mattress and how it will accept him. How good sleep is, after such a day. Six hundred miles, and nothing to see but tail lights and rain.


There was a time when he was much younger – in high school and college – when he often thought it was alright, coming in barely at twilight, to lie down on his bed for a while, for no reason at all but to forgive the day’s serrated edge before dinner. But middle age blunts the blade of days, and one learns to tolerate the hammer blows of years. A man does nothing for no reason at all.


On the nightstand, he finds the remote for the CD player and starts the concertos for flute that help him drift to sleep. He stands and steps over the dog waiting on the oval rug beside the bed, closes the curtains, slips into bed and kills the light.

The darkness is sweet, entire, pure as the winter air that presses on the glass. He feels the dog jump up by his feet and take her place behind his knees. He reaches down into the void, picturing her just laying her little head on the folds of the down comforter, and finds her soft ears and the top of her head with his fingertips. He speaks to her.


“That’s my good girl. Dat’s my bestest friend. Now we’ll get some good rest…” And in seven minutes, they are both asleep. They are far and away.


________________

He is on a street corner downtown, in an older part of the city that he knows from his past. He hasn’t been there in years. But it is as it often was when he left work late and walked to the rental parking lot to retrieve his car. It is moonless, misty and wet. Rain drips from the streetlamps, as though it has just stopped pouring. The small shops and bars in the old brick buildings are dark, their windows ash gray.


Ash gray and blown black with fresh rain, the street recedes into his deep unconscious, as the dog sleeps against the backs of his knees, breathing and kicking a little with her paws, dreaming of birds.


There is something he needs, must have. Something. Down there, where the night, blown black with rain and dripping darkness, disappears. He moves on. Can’t imagine what it could be. Must have it, though, and moves down the street, catching glimpses through the ash covered windows, of broken furniture caked in dust.


At last a window, a shop full of light; the light of it achingly white and falling out onto the puddled bricks. He turns. The shop is empty, but for a table and on it a box. Red oak, black latch and hinges, dust. Rounded top and half a coffin long. This has belonged to him forever, waiting here.


Freight on Board.


Cash on Delivery.

He goes in. Bell over the door jangles like a dry cough. Dust sifts from the rafters as he shuts the door. The old man looks up and nods. The shop is small and the light is going dim. When he opened the door, the night came too, envious. The night, wet and sick and far from home, wants the box for herself.


The night has the means to pay.


He turns to the box, which is shrinking, falling away as the old man watches him, nodding.


Take the damn thing and go. What you need and must have is inside.


He takes it, heavy and cold, the size of a loaf of bread. He lifts the lid as the night falls back, dejected. And inside, after all these years, the dog shifts on the bed behind him, where the covers have gotten too warm for sleep. She rises and jumps to her rug on the floor, where a good dog can stretch out and dream.


© 2005 Kyle Kimberlin

Power Is As Power Does

OK, so I found an interesting Thought on this page which is part of this blog, which is extremely cool. I thought about the Thought, which is this:

Power is never given. Power is taken.

Well, no. I was with you up until that point, but this one doesn’t jive with my observations. Power cannot be taken unless it is given. This is borne out by the whole history of passive resistance and capitulation to power. Moreover, no degree of power can be taken beyond that which is given.

I was watching CNN today, and saw a young Army lieutenant, sent home to heal from a gunshot through the hand. Has two purple hearts. He can’t wait to get back to Iraq to complete his mission. He has succumbed to the influence of power. And no one from CNN asked him, his tearful parents, or his little child, to define his mission.

Now I’m defining power essentially as the ability to make people do things they don’t want to do, or at least the ability to make people want to do things they wouldn’t want to do otherwise. If the author of the Thought above was referring to creative power, I could be totally wrong. I’m not sure I understand all I know about that. To me, power is active, not passive. Power has to act to prove it exists. Witness George W. Bush.

Rabbit, Come Down!

So last night I was book-shopping on B&N.com. I have a gift card in my wallet. It’s been there quite a while. I was feeling in the mood for another Updike novel, one they don’t have at the local library. Why spend 50 cents to have one shipped from another branch, when for zippo – on the gift card – I can own it free and clear, right?

Right. And I noticed that Updike won the Pulitzer for Rabbit is Rich, about 20 years ago. I never read that one. But I have far too many books to keep in the bookcases in my study, and I remembered that boxed up somewhere in the closet, I’ve got an old Updike paperback which I never read. Wonder which one that is …

Today I went into the closet, where there are several large, heavy boxes of books on high shelves, above my head. This is going to be a pain in the ass; I’ll be lucky if I don’t sustain moderate injuries. But jammed between the boxes, I see the bottom edge of one paperback. I can get to it easily,just wiggle it out and see what it is … Yep, you guessed it: Rabbit is Rich by John Updike.

I don’t remember ever reading it, but on the title pages there’s a note in my handwriting — dated August 29 1985 — “We have no reason to be nice on the way up, because we won’t be coming back down.” Hmm. This is very interesting. A message from myself, across time and space, referring to the themes of the novel and the place where one day it would be found again.

Strange but true.

And the good thing is, I spent nothing of my something, which cost me nothing, so I still have that for something else, someday. Sweet.