where it stands, or I do

I know that many of you are dying to know how things are going with the new book. So I thought I’d give you an update on where it stands.

But first, I should invoke my muse. The same which has sustained me – when no dog was present in the house – since I read Eliot’s Ash Wednesday in college.

The Lady is withdrawn
In a white gown, to contemplation, in a white gown.
Let the whiteness of bones atone to forgetfulness.
There is no life in them. As I am forgotten
And would be forgotten, so I would forget
Thus devoted, concentrated in purpose. And God said
Prophesy to the wind, to the wind only for only
The wind will listen.

I started the complete rewrite — which I am, for abject lack of a better name, calling the 3rd Draft — back in the 1st week of August. So I’ve been working on it about 3 weeks. Well, I was traveling a lot for a while there, so let’s call it 2 working weeks. I’ve written about a dozen sections, or scenes. Small chapters. Not quite 50 pages. But it’s going to be a small book, a novella of maybe 250 MS Word pages. So this rewrite could be 20% done already. I’ve got that going for me, which is nice. I can’t wait to get it done; done being prima facie done to a point of surpassing excellence. Perfectionist that I am.

I have a new title. And I think it’s really good.

— Well, what is it, Buttlicker?

I can’t tell ya. Wouldn’t be prudent. Might not be good for the country. Bad mojo. I will tell you that it’s based on something secret my Grandmother said — maybe more than once, and maybe my Mother has said it too — about how fleeting life is, and how all we have is now, today, in which to live and love each other. There is no guarantee, for any one of us, that we will see another day. The moment, and the memory of which it’s made, is the theme of the book, and of the title.

I’m finding that the tone of the story is darker than it was in earlier drafts, far darker than when I undertook the project. Above, I mentioned the muse and the dogs, meaning dogs do not like this muse. She is strigine, and nocturnal. No fault of mine.

The story is in first person now. This has its limitations, no doubt. But what I’m finding is that the voice is more stable. When I was writing in 3rd person omniscient, I had more flexibility in terms of perspective, but the voice was all over the friggin road.

The main problem with first person is how to get into evidence certain things that the narrator can’t know; for example, reflections of someone else, that were never revealed to him. Well, I took a clue from the opening chapters of Gaviota by Erik O’Dowd, and wrote a series of journal entries, written by that 3rd party and revealed in the possession of the narrator. In other words, my guy has his uncle’s journal. That’s how he knows things. I think it’s working pretty well. Today I wrote a scene in which the narrator shares one of his uncle’s poems. Which means I get to broaden the application of my abilities in that direction.

I got my old HP printer out of mothballs and set it up, so I can start printing things out. I have a newer Canon, but that sucker sucks ink like it’s going out of style. It’s a good printer, but for a bigger job I think the old machine is a little more thrifty.

More on the muse.

The silent sister veiled in white and blue
Between the yews, behind the garden god,
Whose flute is breathless, bent her head and signed but spoke no word

But the fountain sprang up and the bird sang down
Redeem the time, redeem the dream
The token of the word unheard, unspoken

Till the wind shake a thousand whispers from the yew

And after this our exile

I have been spending a lot of time in solitude since I got back from my trip two weeks ago. Can you tell? About 21 hours a day I’m completely alone, in my home office, on my bike, out walking. About 2 hours a day I’m in cafes, alone with my laptop but not alone. For about 1 hour I poke my head out like an agoraphobic groundhog and meet with other people, stop and see my folks, and walk the family dog.

I believe this is what they call Isolating, but I’m not sure. It might just be solitude. Most of the time I relish this hermitage I’ve created for myself. Sometimes I sit here in my study and feel like an solo astronaut far out in space. Or like a man sailing around the world alone on a 40 foot sloop. There’s a cool word. Sloop. Say it out loud with me, gentle reader. Give it a good Whitmanesque Yawp!

Sloop! Sloop! Sloop!

For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there’s nothing I can do

Ah yes, very amusing. I have found some interesting and literate thoughts on the matter:

Writers maybe disreputable, incorrigible, early to decay or late to bloom, but they dare to go it alone.

That’s John Updike. Almost romantic, isn’t it? I have that on my desktop wallpaper. Stiff upper lip.

Writing a book is a very lonely business. You are totally cut off from the rest of the world, submerged in your obsessions and memories.

That’s Mario Vargas Llosa. I haven’t read him. Peruvian is all I know. But yeah, that’s about what it feels like, too true. And I think another word for submerged is drowning.

“When we leave people on their own, we are delivering them into the hands of a ruthless taskmaster from whose bondage there is no escape. The individual who has to justify his existence by his own efforts is in eternal bondage to himself.”

Now we’re getting somewhere. That’s Eric Hoffer.

Remember, we’re all in this alone.

Lilly Tomlin. That’s my screensaver. I think it’s damn funny. So let’s end it on another funny note, for all my fellow writers, poets, painters, sculptors, and composers. This, again, is Hoffer:

“What are we when we are alone? Some, when they are alone, cease to exist.”

august sky


august sky
Originally uploaded by kyle

Heading out tonight for a nip of decaf at Starbucks and maybe something for dinner, I was surprised to find that God had left me a present out there. He does this sometimes, when I least expect and – more to the point – least deserve it.
Thanks, God.

What did you dream about as a child?

A commercial came on my telly a short time ago, and asked me that question. It also proposed an answer: “space flight?”

So I’ve been sitting here, trying to conjure up some shreds of childhood dreams, but all I’ve come up with are a few flickers of nightmare. Ain’t that the pits?

But one thing I’m pretty sure I never dreamed of doing is space travel. I’ve never cared for cramped spaces, and space ain’t Star Trek. Between here and out there is a whole lot of nuthin. I can barely picture myself holding it together for a long monotonous cruise across one of earth’s oceans, let alone to the nearest habitable whatever.

So what did I want to be if and when I grew up, when I was, say, 8? I don’t know. That file is on a drive that is not accessible. I remember being 9 or 10 and listening to a lot of classical music. Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky. Maybe I dreamed of being a conductor.

“The end comes when we no longer talk with ourselves. It is the end of genuine thinking and the beginning of the final loneliness.”

– Eric Hoffer

NFL suspends Vick

“‘Your admitted conduct was not only illegal, but also cruel and reprehensible. Your team, the NFL, and NFL fans have all been hurt by your actions,’ NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said in a letter to Vick.” CNN.com

There you go, you dog killing freak. Next step: criminal sentencing.

Can I get a Woof, or an Amen or something?

fixed news is at it again

Faux News is once again banging the drums of a drummed up war – this time with Iran. They’re using the same BS tactics to lie the bleating flock on the right into believing that Iran is nothing but a training camp for Al Queda.

This time, will the rest of the MSM follow them into battle?

the big glitch

I drove to the post office yesterday to mail a bill payment. A rare occurrence; I do that mostly online now. I got there at 5:29, not a moment too soon for the 5:30 pickup. The postal lady was out by the drive-up mailboxes with her big basket cart thingy, collecting the mail.

The Postals are usually friendly if I pull up when they’re collecting the mail. I pulled up and said Good Afternoon. The look she gave me made me feel like I just said Oh the frogs are on the ceiling dripping chlorine tea. I’ve got the big glitch. Your purple cheese. She looked at me like I’m some poor little idiot.

“Let’s go. I have to hurry! I have a truck waiting.”

Oh dear, oh my, oh fuck your truck.

I snatched the envelope from the seat and poked it out at her. She grabbed it and I drove off, moving through the gears as quick as I could. Little truck, get me the bloody hell out of this new and desperate world. Take me back to 1968, when people – no less burdened by the malignant anxiety of war – were generally at least more civil.

It was like a switch being flipped on the breaker box of my brain. (Really more like a switch someone had been flipping for years had finally decided to work.) Do you ever have that feeling? Like you’ve been sitting in the dark and didn’t know it? And somebody just powered up one of your sickly white fluorescent tubes? Sure.

What showed up in my freshly brightened attic was this: I don’t like being a grownup. I don’t want to be a grownup anymore. I’ve never been good at it. I want to be seven again. Maybe it’s because she made me feel like a kid being scolded.

When you’re a kid you get to blame people for being mean. You can get your feelings hurt, oblivious to your own complicities, say What a Jerk, and move on. As adults, we’re expected to assess, to acknowledge each other’s frailty, to accept that everyone has a bad day once or twice a week or more. And give a nod to karma. What goes around comes around, and all of that.

When you’re a kid, you can give them your sad eyes, your far off look, and hope they’ll feel guilty. I have no such powers anymore. Nobody is going to feel sorry for me about anything short of prostatitis or pet loss. And believe me, I’ve been trying it lately. An adult can hope for bleary-eyed itinerate Justice I suppose, but not pity. Suck it up. Walk it off. Get your ass up and do something, even if it’s wrong.

Am I wrong, or does adulthood plainly suck?

plums


This is just to say I bought four plums at Albertsons last night. And some yogurt. The yogurt is not relevant to this post, except to say that it contains no animal fat. I do, but enough about that.

Four plums. And they looked pretty good, so I took a picture of them. It’s lucky that I did, because now there are only three.

The one that I ate wasn’t as good as a plum ought to be, which brings me to the point: quality. That essence of a thing which makes the perceiver of it aware of himself with respect to it. Or something like that. I’m paraphrasing a very old memory of reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. It’s like art; I don’t know what it is, but I know it when it makes me sentient.

I have a memory of a tub of cool water, and plums floating in the water. It was on the screen porch of my grandparents’ old farmhouse in McFarland. I don’t know how old I was, but I was a little kid. And I can remember the taste of those plums, at once sweet and tart. They tasted like summer, like the rich soil of the San Joaquin.

The plum I ate today was a lot more like wax. Still it holds the power of memory. It took me back almost 40 years to a hot summer day in the country. I remember countless feral cats moving in the shadows around the old barn, the ground covered with with the split husks of black walnuts. I remember Papa’s chair in the living room, and on the table beside it, Readers’ Digest and novels by Louis L’Amour.

This Is Just To Say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

— William Carlos Williams

new perspective

“Remember we’re all in this alone.”

— Lily Tomlin

In a recent post, I explained my plan to start my long wrought novel completely over from scratch, and try to write it right. I thought someone out there might be interested in how it’s going so far.

ha ha ho ho and hee hee

Well I’ve worked on it every day, for as long as possible. I’ve written six sections, or short chapters. Maybe they’re scenes. Doesn’t matter. What matters is that I think they are better. More truthful, deeper. Some of it is based on previous work, some is brand new.

I’m writing in first person. It’s a much different world. Shall I tell you a little about myself? Perhaps another day.

I’ve been writing in coffeehouses a lot. I go to one in nearby Summerland, which seems to have a good … hmm … vibe. Yes, it’s a vibe. A vibration. No crazies. (Well, there’s a psychic that offers readings at a table sometimes, but I don’t think she’s a nut. I call it prelest, a Russian word essentially meaning spiritual deception or illusion. But I’ve digressed. ) The starbucks here in Carpinteria is OK sometimes too, but more distracting. Some crazies, and loud tourists. Do they really talk that loudly in European cafes?

I’ve taken to carrying with me at all times a pair of ear plugs and my trusty iPod. The plugs are always useful for writing, unless there’s inspiring conversation going on. The iPod is great unless the cafe has it’s own music going.

The writing is going well, considering my other priorities don’t afford it my full time attention. See, I’m looking for a full time job. And I’ve got this trying to survive and recover from morbid obesity shtick going. That takes more time and effort than you might think.

No, I’m not posting any samples for your annoyance. I’ve learned my lesson on that.

“Writing a book is a very lonely business. You are totally cut off from the rest of the world, submerged in your obsessions and memories.”

Mario Vargas Llosa , Peruvian Novelist and Essayist