“You have no idea how much you’ll miss me. Just so you know, you really have no idea.” That’s what she said.

He stood there in the bright sunlight, shielding his face with his hand and watching her where she stood in the shadowed doorway. He was trying to see, for the last time, how blue her eyes were. And he knew she was right.

He remembered everything, from the first time he saw her in the park with her dog, wearing a pale yellow sun dress, no shoes. And how when he spoke to her, she took off her dark glasses so he could see those eyes.

As long as he could remember, his life had always gone in the same direction. He’d heard it was possible to turn it around, but it kept going the same way – mostly north, into cold country. Until that day in the park, when they stopped to talk about dogs. It was like he clapped his hands and everything changed. No, it was like she spoke and he believed.

Now everything had changed again, though he knew she was right, and he knew he had nobody to blame but himself.

His pickup was parked at the curb, and as he turned and saw its faded green paint, it looked like a friend, who knew he’d screwed up and didn’t care, who knew the roads where he might find hope, hot food, and a cheap place to sleep. As he passed in front of it, he felt the heat from the radiator, and heard her finally slam the door.

Birds singing. Dogs barking. Maybe her dog, clawing its way up the back of her sofa, to yell at him through the picture window. A Cessna droned overhead, so he stood for a moment beside the truck to watch it go. As a boy, he liked to lie on his back on the grass and watch the planes. The sound of them could push him to the brink of sleep.

Merging onto the freeway, the growl of the engine working through its gears covered every sound but the rush of air. Sometimes, the right thing to do is in front of you, impossible. The mind stands back and begs for time, and the heart is covetous of solitude. He hated doing what he did and knew that he would pay for it. He knew that she was right, and this would be a long road to drive all night. Still when he reached the coast and saw the sun go down in front of him, he had to bear right at the junction, heading north.

© 2005 by J. Kyle Kimberlin
all rights reserved
Second Draft, 11.13.05