I Googled Burger King, because I was going to blog about that character they’ve been showing on the TV lately. He sneaks up on people, appearing at their windows and behind trees, presenting them with sandwiches. To me, that guy is positively frightening. If he appeared in front of me with that insipid grin, I’d look for something to beat him to death.

Of course, I’m kidding about that. There are times when one has to rise to the defense of good and that’s not one of them. And I couldn’t find a photo of the King, which made posting on it pretty weak. But what I found instead is nothing short of the most compelling news to reach my computer in a lustrum.

Behold this story from Scotland . Apparently, this pious man has discerned that if you look at the lid of a BK in the UK ice cream dessert and turn it a certain way, it looks like the name of God. So, seeing the offense to people of his faith, he has declared a jihad. Amazing. Not just the insensate evil that lurks in thousands of little disks of molded plastic, but the clarity of this man’s vision – it’s just … well, something.

Don’t you see, people? This man must be so perfect, so pure, so righteous, that the Almighty has chosen him to be the protector of God’s good name and reputation on earth. How close he must be to paradise! And how mighty he must be, as we all know that God needs men of strength to fight His battles.

How proud his family must be, that this mere mortal, 27-year-old paper pusher from a small, haggis-loving Scot town has clenched his indignant fist and smote – I say SMOTE – the scuttling demons of heretical ice cream packaging. I know that I’m always proud when my fellow Christians have the crystal vision to spot the icons of Heaven in water stains on concrete, in pancakes and cheese sandwiches, etc.

I was driving past a house across town today, and I noticed it has a door like this:

See the cross in the middle? It’s upside down! That’s satanic, maybe, I think. Oh sacrilege! Oh great jumping and heaving evil! Inspired by this holy hero in Scotland, I’m going over there and pitch some lamb’s blood on it. That’ll teach those heretics to hang a door properly or else. Actually, I think I’m right out of blood. But I’ll stop at the store and pick up a quart of Ragu pasta sauce. That’s got holiness, right? Yeah, it’s in there.

I just think it’s great this guy is doing this for God. Because with thousands of people of his faith dying for nothing but lies, with God knows (literally) how many of this man’s spiritual breathren in illegal and immoral Occupation prisions like Guantanamo, God’s got a lot on his plate besides greasy burgers and freedom fries. Somebody’s got to pick up the slack.

So yeah, it’s good that this jihad may put a dent in the profits of Burger King. I’m sure that the people flipping the burgers and working the drive-through windows will understand if they get laid off. Their children will understand if there’s no steaming bowl of haggis on the table next month. It’s really important that somebody stand up for God when God can’t stand up for Himself.

And here in America, we can support the cause not only by boycotting BK, but by continuing to elect moralistic, self-righteous, neo-con extremists. They will carry the message just like this man in Scotland, that those whom God has chosen must have their day, and the rest of us just have to tow the line. Forget learning to live together in peace and dignity. Forget having a world where every person has the right to go about his/her life and work and play, and pray, with any semblance of serenity. Because a world in which each person is free to worship is a world in which no one has the right not to be offended. And the right to be free from trivial offense is paramount, or the planet will never be safe from ice cream blasphemy.