I’m a little rain god. Just a minor deity, spreading the joys of Wetness to and fro, hither and yon. I move by keeping things damp.

My Dad’s out of town, helping my brother work on his house up north. Been gone two weeks. I’m in charge of watering the lawns and plants. So last week, I turned on the installed sprinkler system in the back yard. One of the little bastard sprinklers didn’t pop up, so I gave it a gentle tug. Broke it’s little head off. Big old geyser. Yep.

Then tonight, I’m dog sitting at Mom & Dad’s; she’s out of town too. Just before sunset, I was out in the back, watering with the hose and spray nozzle. Got a call on the cell, could’ve sworn I turned off the tap. Two or three hours later, I’m watching TV, when I hear this sound like a torrential downpour. You guessed it; the hose ruptured. I ran out there in my sweats and socks. Got soaked. That water was cold.

So if you need some dramatic, dysfunctional, inexplicably inept irrigation done, e-mail me. If my computer’s not submerged, I’ll get back to you. … But I don’t do kids’ parties, for obvious reasons involving colorful language.